all about alice

i am at that point

where i am ready to admit that i may have engaged myself to too many commitments. normally, i’d be all “no, i can do this!” but right now, i’m just “no, this is too much!” i never thought the day would come

Arrr… I want to scream, you have no idea. The only thing keeping me sane is the fact that

1. I’ve got OneRepublic autoplaying on YouTube right now
2. I can’t survive knowing I haven’t finished my work (i just can’t go through that kind of humiliation)

Update
i know you could not care less, but this girl is Leaving for Baguio at Friday dawn for a seminar-thingy. So many things I have yet to do before that day!

decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it

At the end of the day, i decided that even if i’m scared, i’m going to try doing it. because even if i am scared of doing it, i’m even more scared of regretting that i didn’t do it.

(Source: corteaus)

Define normal

clasped hands, people we recognize with us, photographs splashed over -book, no hiding.

but i guess this is normal, for us.

secrets and concealment and awkwardness even to friends. and incompatible social relationships that just won’t meet. silenced conversations until at least its the time to meet. evenings in tears and daylights with smiles. stolen minutes and hours we can’t freeze. eyes wide shut to fate telling us we’re wrong. most of all: not seeing you, not seeing me, and just trying to survive because we believe, we hope, and we wish that this will all pass, and that this will all be worth it someday. so we try to survive every. single. day.

Writer’s block

it isn’t because I can’t think of anything to write about. its because i’m not writing what i want to write about.

I Must Admit

that I get jealous of other people and their achievements. I get jealous when someone gets to do things that I am not able to, because they have the money for it, or the connections, or the power, or all three. And I don’t. Its always a harsh reality for me to face that someone is richer, nicer, smarter, prettier, friendlier. That someone out there is living the expectations while I am stuck in the reality (aha! I love me some (500) Days of Summer reference). And I can be pretty tough to my own self-esteem sometimes: blaming myself and being resentful about other people’s lives. I can find a loophole in my logic to continuously victimize myself.

At the beginning, the process of implanting misery on my own system can become addicting, so much that pain, sadness, and insufficiency has become familiar. And because of that, I have found that it is possible to feel comfort in one’s jealousy and sadness. That it is better to be sad and miserable because the happiness you’ve once known is now bleak and vague, that, eventually, it has turned into something synonymous to fantasy and irrationality. That the only sensible thing in this world is now only pain and suffering and disappointment and failure. That I am meant to fail.

And where does faith go? Because I am so convinced that my life is a sad and bad rerun of failures and mishaps, faith is slowly turning into something unknown. Faith, in better days and good things, is missing. Faith is elusive. Which leads me to think:

Am I really that unhappy with my life that my faith is now slowly decreasing? Where has my strength gone then? Why do I keep on giving up? Why am I so convinced that I am doomed to failure?

I am not admitting all these to be pitied (maybe I am, just a little bit, but I am a Leo and so I need attention to live!), but because

… I was hoping that if I do, maybe the universe would be kinder and nicer, and maybe it could realize that I am aware that I am feeling this way, and that I want to do something about it. And maybe it could help me. Because, Norah said it well on my reblog, “Its just nice to feel special sometimes.”

I Should Write Here More Often

because I miss being young and informing people what I am doing even though the general population does not usually care.

boysc0ut:

What are the benefits?

(Source: lonelybones-)

Another reminder.

(Source: artpixie)

And I learned/am learning it the hard way…

(Source: notesondesign, via boysc0ut)

Buhay Amerika

katmichelle:

Source (http://kayie48.multiply.com/journal/item/16) 

(Meron din naman sigurong maayos din ang buhay sa ibang bansa pero meron din sigurong ganito. I don’t know who wrote this so i posted the link where i found it.)

Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas
kapag nasa America ka akala nila
madami ka ng pera. Ang totoo, madami
kang utang, dahil credit card lahat
ang gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga
gamit mo. Kailangan mo gumamit ng
credit card para magka-credit history
ka, kase pag hindi ka umutang o
wala kang utang, hindi ka
pagkakatiwalaan ng mga kano. Pag wala
kang credit card, ibig sabihin wala kang
kapasidad magbayad.

Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may
kotse ka na. Ang totoo, kapag
hindi ka bumili ng kotse sa
America maglalakad ka ng milya-
milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o kaya sa snow.
Walang jeepney, tricycle o padyak
sa America .

Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa
America. Ang totoo, puro ka
trabaho kase pag di ka nagtrabaho,
wala kang pangbayad ng bills mo sa
kotse, credit card, ilaw, tubig,
insurance, bahay at iba pa. Hindi ka na
pwedeng tumambay sa kapitbahay kase
busy din sila maghanap buhay
pangbayad ng bills nila.

Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala
ka ng picture mo sa Disneyland,
Seaworld, Six Flags, Universal Studios
at iba pang attractions. Ang
totoo, kailangan mo ngumiti kase
nagbayad ka ng $70+ para makarating ka
dun, kailangan mo na naman ang 10
hours na sweldo mong pinangbayad sa
ticket.

Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita
mo kase dolyar na sweldo mo. Ang
totoo, malaki pagpinalit mo ng peso,
pero dolyar din ang gastos mo sa
America. Ibig sabihin ang dolyar mong
kinita sa presyong dolyar mo din
gagastusin. Ang P15.00 na sardinas sa
Pilipinas $1.00 sa America , ang
isang pakete ng sigarilyo sa pilipinas
P40.00, sa America $ 6.50, ang
upa mo sa bahay na P10,000 sa
Pilipinas, sa America $1,000++.

Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na
kase ang ganda ng bahay at kotse
mo. Ang totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang
bago mong kotse 5 taon mong
huhulugan. Ang bahay 30 taon mong
huhulugan. Ibig sabihin, alipin ka ng
bahay at kotse mo.

Madaming naghahangad na makarating
sa America . Lalo na mga nurses,
mahirap maging normal na manggagawa sa
Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa
trabaho. Pag dating ng sweldo mo,
kulang pa sa pagkain mo. Pero ganun
din sa ibang bansa katulad ng
America . Hindi ibig sabihin dolyar na
ang sweldo mo, yayaman ka na, kailangan mo
ding magbanat ng buto para
mabuhay ka sa ibang bansa.

Isang malaking sakripisyo ang pag
alis mo sa bansang pinagsilangan
at malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo
sa buhay. Hindi pinupulot ang pera
dito o pinipitas. Hindi ako naninira
ng pangarap, gusto ko lang buksan
ang bintana ng katotohanan..

This poem made me think a lot about my future. I am not going to deny it: I want to live in America. If not New York City, then perhaps Los Angeles, or Portland, or New Orleans, or Michigan. I’m not going to deny it. I want it because of a lot of things - the weather, the fashion, the people, the opportunities, and the mere fact that I am living in America. It seems like a long shot, but it’s definitely something that I’ve always wanted.

But when I think about it, being a success in the Philippines, in my own homeland, doesn’t make much of a difference if I am successful in the United States. Yes, I’ll probably be ten times more popular than I can ever be in here… but I am still doing the same job, living the happy life that I want.

I am not giving up on my dream of New York. Its bound to happen, I know this. The resolution for now, I guess, is one step at a time. I’ll get there, someday. I just have to be patient. And work really, really hard.