all about alice

Define normal

clasped hands, people we recognize with us, photographs splashed over -book, no hiding.

but i guess this is normal, for us.

secrets and concealment and awkwardness even to friends. and incompatible social relationships that just won’t meet. silenced conversations until at least its the time to meet. evenings in tears and daylights with smiles. stolen minutes and hours we can’t freeze. eyes wide shut to fate telling us we’re wrong. most of all: not seeing you, not seeing me, and just trying to survive because we believe, we hope, and we wish that this will all pass, and that this will all be worth it someday. so we try to survive every. single. day.

“Bakit ako nakaganito? (right hand over left chest)”
“Kasi… di kaya ng puso mo ang presence ko!” 

Bammm! Happy Birthday to one of the best persons ever!

Everywhere I look, you’re there:
in my computer, the folder i named after you
in the folder, the colorful photos of us i took

on the bed, the empty side you will take, we both wish
on the empty side, the bunny you said that was you

at the coffee shop, the bench i asked you to sit on
at the bench, the strawberries that we shared

inside my closet, the box you gave me
inside the box, the black thing you gave me

on the bench where we sat, the day you thought everything would change
on the day, the admission of the truth you made

And yet
everywhere I look, you’re not there:
you’re gone.

I’m sorry.
I love you.
Please come home.

Restart - I hurt you and I broke you, and you managed to stitch yourself up. What tears me apart is the idea that we had to go this far just so I could realize how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Bakit pa kailangang umabot sa ganito bago kita pahalagahan? I am so afraid. My worst fear right now is having you listen to the same songs we used to listen to and then feel different. Or you waking up and realizing that it is different.

If I could go back in time, I tell you, I would slap some sense into my own face.

I regret hurting you that day so much. I could tear my hair off my scalp. I go to bed and I try to sleep but I just end up messing the sheets. Right now, I have so much regret and hurt and fear in my heart.

You were the one person that is so constantly present. Now, I am not certain, because somehow I feel like a part of you is no longer that sure with me. Am I wrong? Please tell me I am wrong, and that you are as sure with me as you were before. I tread on what we have, wondering if you still feel the same. The worst thing is that this is all my fault. This is all my fault.

I want to go back to normal. I hardly ever pray anymore, but right now, all I really ever do is pray. Pray that we will be okay. Pray that I don’t get anxious too much.

I have reached my limit. I should not have reached my limit. I wonder if I will ever forgive myself. Then I have another worry. What if we are okay? And its this paranoia of mine that will not make us okay?

My god, I think too much. I feel too much.

I love you, okay? That is the one thing that has not changed. I cannot doubt my love for you anymore. I just hope and pray and wish from the bottomest bottom of my heart that this love is enough. That it will endure. That it can carry us through this shipwreck and then back once more into the open seas.

-I Wrote This For You… Again

sarap manisi, wala namang masisi

ayoko na magalit— sayo. kasi hindi mo kasalanan. gusto ko lang sisihin, gusto ko lang magalit— ang/sa mundo, ang/sa buhay. naiipit na tayo. at ang hirap hirap hirap. parang na-trap sa devil snare. or sa garbage compactor ng death star.

mas madaling umalis. mas madaling umalis at sabihin “ayoko na!” sabay grand exit, malapelikula. ang hilig ko pa naman mag-walk-out. (ang tanong, susunod ka ba? manunuyo ka ba, tulad ng inaasahan— inaasam— ko?)

pero ito naisip ko ngayon lang. parang may metaphorical/imaginary bulb na biglang sumindi sa taas ng ulo ko:

kung umalis ako, at sabihing “ayoko,” naisip ko, mag-isa ka na lang maiipit. at mag-isa ka lang na mawawasak.

hindi pwede. wala ka namang super strength. mabuti pang dalawa na lang tayo maipit, masira, madurog…